Fancy new website!

Welcome to the newly-opened Pangolin Piano website! I did invite the Queen of England to pop down and cut the ribbon, but my calls to Buckingham Palace went unanswered.

All right, Alex, so what's the point of all this, then?

No point, really. Just a place to collect my work, get some gig bookings, and maybe raise a bit of awareness about pangolin conservation. I don't know the first thing about setting up a website. If it all looks a bit home-made and ramshackle, that's 'cos it is!

Aren't you planning on making millions and millions of pounds?!

Good God, no. I'm just here to enjoy myself.

Very well. Then tell us what we can find on your website that we can't find out from going through your bins at night.

News and updates on various projects. Background about my songs. Musings on the exciting life of being a musician (I ate a pain aux chocolat this very morning, dontchaknow!). I draw a bit too, so there may well be doodles.

Like that chap up there?

Indeedle. That's Presley the Pangolin. His parents called him Presley after Elvis, of course, hence his own musical interests. Pangolins don't have hair, but Presley invested in scale extensions as soon as he was old enough to get that rock'n'roll look. He likes Muse (up to and including Black Holes and Revelations) and his musical guilty pleasure is Katy Perry.

So what's with the whole pangolin thing?

Well, it's called Pangolin Piano...

But whyyyyyyy?

Because I like pangolins, all right? Nothing else to it. Also, they're the only mammal (apart from me) that has scales. Do you know how hard I relate to that?!

AND, if we're getting serious, because it's hideous that humans spotted something so fundamentally harmless (seriously, their defense mechanism is to curl up into a BALL!) and thought, "Well, I am going to rip all your scales off and make you into soup until you are critically endangered". Not on my watch, frankly.

We don't even know much about pangolins; up until very recently, we assumed they were nocturnal. Now, we know they're just very shy. And yet they've become the most trafficked wild mammal on the planet, largely because their scales are prized in "traditional" Chinese medicine (traditional in this case meaning "doesn't even fricking work").

All right, pangolins are in danger, yadayada. What do you want us to do about it?

Hire meeeeeee for all your piano and comedy needs. At least ¥3000 or £20 from each paid performance will go to conservation experts www.savepangolins.org. They also have heaps (I MEAN IT!! HEAPS!!) of information about pangolins and what else can be done to help them.

I should point out that I am NOT affiliated with Save Pangolins in any way, shape, or form. I don't think they know I exist. But I think they are on an excellent mission to save every pangolin they can and I would like to support that.

That's all very well, but I have another charity I'd like to support.

I am happy to support any conservation charity, but pangolins are always my first, second, and third choices. I am also concerned about otters (their numbers are dwindling, especially those of the giant otters in the Amazon), so they would be an excellent fourth.

What about ad revenue from the website? Thought about earning money from that, eh, clever clogs?

Yup, but there's no reason to believe I'd make any amount significant enough to help the pangolins. So, I'd rather not clutter the website with horrible adverts if they're not going to do something useful.

We've had a look at your comedy songs and they're a bit... sweary?

I grew up watching panel shows like Never Mind the Buzzcocks and comedians like Tim Minchin. My comedy isn't suitable for all! But I've also done classical music for book openings, jazz for weddings, and jaunty inoffensive pop covers. There's something for everyone at Pangolin Piano. Get in touch and I'm sure we can devise a setlist for your event that doesn't contain a single swearword.

All right. We're convinced. We want you to perform at our embassy dinner/book opening/wedding/comedy show/baby shower/bath time. How do we get in touch?

This page, please. Give me a rough idea of what, when, how long, and whether you need me to bring a keyboard, and I will get back to you within 24 hours.

All right. We'll do that.

Excellent. That done, here's a pangolin video courtesy of National Geographic.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DqC3ieJJlFM